I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
