i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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