He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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