I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
