does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
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There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
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I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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