Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
