you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
