Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
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a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself