he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?