I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
