dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
