After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
