Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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