If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
