I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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