well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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