I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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