I think I died a long time ago.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
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how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
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Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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