Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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