just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
