I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
