I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
