Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
