I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
