I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
