R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
