Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
