I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
