i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
