We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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