Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
