Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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