operation harelip BJ is a go
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
