My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
