i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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