I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
