i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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