No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
