how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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