Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
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