I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
