I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
