Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
oh god the rape fog is back!
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
