You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
