Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
