You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
