Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
