Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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