I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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