What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
