my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
