I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
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We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
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I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize