I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
