im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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