Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
