i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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