just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
