my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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