It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
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not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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